I set the sleeping beauty down on the couch next to me and reach for the computer.
Finally. Five weeks old now, and no grand announcement on my blog.
Have I forgotten? Don’t I care?
Perhaps I had forgotten some things. Like the perfection of heaven fresh breath.
Of silky cheeks unmarred. Of the tiniest fingers grasping tightly to mine.
Of these half smiles that melt my heart to soppy puddles.
Yes, I had forgotten the constant feedings, all through the night.
The mornings coming all too soon,
but the warm bundle in bed next to me begging me to cuddle the day away.
To stop. To drink deep. To savor this moment in time.
You see, I’ve not forgotten to write.
I’ve just been swept away in the joy of Alannah Grace.
I hoped and prayed that I wouldn’t go as terribly late as I did with my other two.
This pregnancy was certainly my hardest.
I felt absolutely massive by the time I wearily reached my due date.
Full moon teased me with a few bouts of contractions, but left me again, still rotund.
Still pregnant. And still pondering this word: “Grace.”
“God in flesh.”
How I needed Him. His strength to keep me cheerful.
To wake up to another day and smile, instead of falling apart.
It finally DID happen, this elusive thing of going into labor.
And instead of the calm, peaceful labor and delivery like I had pictured,
like my last one, this one was a battle.
From waking up to my water breaking,
to the sudden and scary delivery not many hours later,
this thing of relaxation evaded me.
I felt like I was falling apart, grasping desperately to stay calm, focused, composed.
Funny too, because Daniel told me later,
“I think this was your quietest labor.”
I stared at him incredulously.
But she is here, her name meaning “Precious grace.”
She is indeed a picture of what God has been doing in
my heart, our lives, yes, even in our extended family.
I felt so weak, so needy, so incapable, and yet here she is, so beautiful.
So perfect. In spite of me. In spite of us.
Because of God.
I can’t get over her dark, long hair.
Or her tiny little toes.
Or the way she tucks her little fists under her chin when she sleeps.
I hold her close, her warmth and sleepy grunts somehow comfort me,
when I didn’t know that I needed comfort.
I peer deep into her dark blue eyes, and wonder who she will look like someday.
I am learning again, how helpless and dependent I am on God,
and yet, how He loves me, as I am.
Alannah’s existence alone is a delight.
I lie in bed next to her, memorizing her beautiful features, and sigh deeply full of happiness.
A sleepy yawn warms me all over.
She can do nothing for herself, and yet I couldn’t love her more.
I see Daniel hold her close, his eyes closed in the joy of her.
Already she has her daddy wrapped around her tiny finger…
Once again, I’m lost in the depths of this journey called “motherhood.”
This vast world of delights blended with challenges.
Of my days filled with millions of mundane moments in which heaven shines through,
illuminating everything and taking my breath away.
And I taste God.