Resting in the now

I drank my coffee coldish on the couch as I nursed the baby and tears blurred. Letting go of a dream – of a part of me – so that I can fully embrace today is salty hard. I realized it’s hard because it is the grief of a loss. It is forcing my fingers to release the grip on something that I thought was me. I owned it. I had a right to it. It was ME.
My husband sat quietly, and kissed me goodbye as he headed to work.
He didn’t try to fix it. He knew he couldn’t.
 
This morning reality slapped me in the face and I knew my dream will most likely wait.
These moments when we choose to surrender with a peaceful heart aren’t all glorious.
It is the hard thing.
 
Jesus asks us to follow. To leave things behind in exchange for better things. For things we cannot even see.
 
Who am I? Am I just a mom?
Do I push the laundry through, make meals and sweep the floor, just to do it again tomorrow?
Is it what I DO, or is it who I AM?
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Mothering is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. It scrapes off my surface again and again and shows me what’s underneath. There is no hiding the selfishness that could stay in the shadows before.
Mothering reaches into every area of my life, into each moment of my day.
 
“We cannot give our children what we ourselves do not have.”
 
I read the words yesterday and they followed me around, whispering in my ear as I folded laundry, watched a squabble break out, laid the baby in her bed.
Do I have what I want my children to have?
Am I living what I want for them?
 
I can work till my day is all used up, I can chide and correct till I’m blue in the face.
But if it’s not deeply engrained in my own heart, there is no way they can see it walked out.
Words are not reality until they SEE them…
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No, the work will never be done. And I will never be perfect. But if I live out today with my heart leaning hard into Jesus, they will see Truth. They will taste the peace that comes after a heart struggles and then rests.
 
It is like the joy of an ocean wave coming in, splashing and laughing, and bubbling around my toes.
But as it goes out again, it leaves shells and round pebbles behind, sanded soft and smooth by endless scraping against the abrasive sand. The constant wearing away produces deeper beauty.
More beauty than was there before.
 
The waves going out are just as beautiful as the ones coming in.
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REST. It’s my word for this year.
It’s not rational in this season, but God doesn’t choose the rational way.
He chooses the best way.
 
So in the face of my deepest need, and of dreams drifting away, I am held.
And there is deep rest.

(Photo credits to my dear grettagraphy.com)

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5 thoughts on “Resting in the now

  1. This is so true and so good. And I have learned in the laying down and surrendering of our dreams when He asks us, He brings them back again in a bigger more beautiful way than ever imagined. It’s the trust that we are to learn in this season. And to truly live like HE is all we ever need. ❤️ Thank you for your authentic writing.

  2. I went into motherhood thinking I knew it all since I had lots of little siblings, and good grief was I ever wrong!
    It does really bring out into the light those faults that I could hide more easily before, and it is so redeeming, every day again God just forgives and redeems the days that I thought were already lost beyond salvage!

  3. Is it what I do or who I am?
    Who you are is beautifully expressed by what you do! I love how real you are in sharing your journey in this season of your life.
    I’m rooting for all homeschooling Moms. Your are my heroines!

  4. This is a word in season for me today. Since my children are older, some of my dreams seem almost reachable. Occasionally I find myself resenting that I have to lay them down again for the sake of the now. It’s a dying really, and I ask myself then, “Do I really believe that if I lose my life, I will find it?” Bless you today!

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